last night i was running a little late from small group, so both girls were asleep when i got home. allen and i usually watch tv together after the girls are asleep and last night was no exception....until about 10.30. avery cried a couple of times and we were back and forth to her room. she made her way downstairs around 11pm and when she crawled in my lap she just fell apart.
tears that she had held in, built up emotion ~ all of it came spilling out. she said her ear hurt and, in her mind, i'm sure that was the only way she thought she wouldn't get in trouble for coming downstairs. she was upset about something ~ a bad dream, waking up scared, being alone in her room ~ who knows.
i thought of how she reminded me so much of me. my mind drifted back 25 years to the many nights i spent crawling in my parents bed because of a bad dream or because i hated to be in my room by myself. they always let me stay. i remembered the phone calls from Nanny's house, slumber parties, cheerleader camp. they always came. i thought of how long ago that was, but how vividly i could remember their love rather than impatience or anger...even though it happened
again.
i thought about how in 2 years she would be in 'big school.' how in 10 years she would almost be driving. how the days of her wanting to crawl up in my lap might be numbered. so i let her stay. for about an hour she slept in my arms.
allen carried her upstairs and while she didn't cry, big crocodile tears filled her eyes. it wasn't long before she came in our room and just cried. she was so tired and i'm not sure she was even fully awake. but something was keeping her from her room. she didn't like bedtime, she said. didn't want to be in her room. so we let her stay.
if you know us or know anything about us, we're not co-sleepers. a rare occasion maybe but we want our kids to feel safe and secure in their rooms. i don't know what was keeping her from her room last night. i don't know what scared her, but the tears weren't that of defiance, nor was she trying to be disobedient. there was fear and she just wanted to be with us.
i layed there with her and thought about the fear i experienced 2 years ago. i had nightmares. i had fear. i didn't sleep and i didn't want to go to sleep. i sat straight up in bed and waited until dawn. i remembered the scripture we prayed over our home, that we prayed over averys room, prayers that avery prayed for addison ~ that angels would surround her room while she slept. there's more wisdom in that than i can possibly put into writing.
i layed there and thought about something joe mcgee told us not long ago - that sending a child to their room for time out was the worst place to send them - that Satan would be there, waiting. preying on them in the silence. knowing they are vulnerable and telling them all the things they do wrong. they will sit, separate from everyone, and hear all the lies Satan wants them to believe. it is then no longer a learning and reflection time, it's spiritual warfare. (since then, time out has been on the steps for us)
i layed there and wondered what battle was being fought in her room. i thought about the fight for her spirit and her sweet little mind. what she hears, she believes and so i layed there and i wondered what she heard. so we let her stay.
and she slept.
..."i lay down and slept; I awoke for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around." Psalm 3:5-6
